This past Christmas and New Year, a lot of things were going on. The 21st was my husband's 26th birthday, and we celebrated with his father in Toledo. It was a long drive, but we talked and laughed the whole way. (Ok, I might have shrieked a few times at his driving antics, but it was snowyish!)
Daniel's vacation got hacked into pieces so he had to return every couple days to work. He dropped us off at my parents' on his way back home. It was Sunday evening and I was really starting to enjoy the holidays with my family; who we hadn't seen in a couple months. Daniel worked Monday and then came back to my parents' that night. We had to get a good night's sleep because the next day was going to be busy!
In our family we have a really cool meal we call "Munchy Lunchy." It consists of some of our favorite finger foods of all time and we all gather around the table and in the kitchen and create the meal together. When everything is finished and the table is decorated, we all sit and Dad thanks God for our blessings throughout the year. Then we feast....and most often, there is so much food, that we eat it for a few days. (But that is ok, because we live for leftovers!)
It is Christmas Eve, our bellies are full and we just got done opening presents. We hear a knock on the door, and my cousins are here with their baby girl. We live far away and we don't get to see them often. We are all catching up and the phone rings....
It's my aunt. We need to come because my uncle took a turn for the worse. Mom, Daniel and I throw some things together, kiss the kids and head out the door. We follow my cousin and his family down to Greenfield.
We spend the remainder of Christmas Eve holding my uncle's hand and keeping him as comfortable as possible. We slept in shifts so that he would always have someone there if he needed something.
Christmas day. He is still declining. Mom and I go back home with my cousins. Daniel stays with my aunt so she isn't alone. (Thank you Jesus for that man!) Mom packs some more stuff and takes her car back down to Greenfield. Dad takes the rest of us to Auburn where my grandparents live. I hadn't been up there since last Christmas.
We had a nice lunch with that side of the family and I got to help my grandma, who hadn't been doing well in the nursing home. We opened presents and the kids played.
I was in a fog, trying to sleep. It was late and Daniel called...
My uncle was gone. He went peacefully.
The minutes, the hours, the days are flowing together like the fishy fog from Grand Lake St. Marys. We came back to Celina some days after that.
Trying to sleep is like a wakeful nightmare. The kids are disturbed and they whimper in their sleep. They are seeing and hearing but not grasping the pain in everyone. It's somewhere around 4 or so in the morning and I am still not sleeping. I have to go to the bathroom really bad but I'm cold, so laziness is foremost in my mind. The phone rings...
There are things you remember because of how they affect you. I will forever remember that ring. I will never forget the sobs coming from my parents' room. No one told me anything. I knew.
Grandma died.
Mom and Dad pack and go back to Auburn. We all have a viewing to go to in Greenfield. We repack and head to Greenfield.
We went to Uncle Johny's viewing and funeral. I don't cry very well. I laughed a lot. That sounds morbid to some, but we all cover our grief differently.
After that, we left for Celina again. We washed some things and repacked for Auburn.
My sister and niece are on their way from Missouri. I haven't seen them in 2 years. I hate tragedy reunions. There's always that dark thing hanging over every laugh and conversation. Like we really shouldn't be having a good time catching up.
Another viewing and funeral, only this time, it's Grandma's. There is a snow storm happening and it stays nice enough for one day for travelers to get home. Then it hits again in a flurry of Alaskan-like temperatures. (It was actually warmer in Alaska at the time!)
The power goes out. I just finished chewing my last bite from dinner. The kids are screaming and terribly afraid of the sudden darkness. We found a tank load of pillar candles and lit them, dispersing them throughout the rooms. We go into survival mode and pile blankets on beds. The temperature got down to 55 I think when the power came back on at 11:30 or so. The heat ran all night long trying to reheat the house. I had flashing thoughts of people finding me frozen solid with my arms wrapped around my kids protecting them from old man winter. (Drastically imaginative? Welcome to my mind!)
We were stranded for a couple more days. We finally got back to my parents' and were again stranded with no way of going home....because we didn't bring 2 cars and Daniel was working. We waited until his next day off for him to bring us home.
4 weeks... 4 weeks of hopping back and forth from one grief to the next. Never really grieving myself. I've had almost a month now to process and reflect and the grief still won't come. In my years as a long term health care provider, my inner sense of relief is higher than the grief. Not relief in the sense that I'm happy they are dead, but relief in the sense that the suffering is. I'm a bit numb to, death. I have been since before my grandpa died, when I was in high school. In and out of hospitals with my grandma, then the nursing home. I began to see death differently for those who suffer before they go.
In the midst of the funerals, I was asked by my 4 year old if I would cry if she died. She equated death with tears and heartache since she had witnessed so many people crying....but not me. Even her daddy cried but mommy didn't shed a tear. I had to explain to her why mommy couldn't cry. She seemed to understand and I assured her that I would indeed cry if she ever died and that I hope she didn't. She was ok with my answer and went back to her playing.
Bitterness tries to seep in from time to time because of how 2 deaths and a snow storm ruined the holidays for me. But then I started to take hold of a few thoughts....
I was at odds with my cousins and had decided to delete them from my life. And God said, "love them." It's awkward still but not so much now. I still have a wonderful aunt that cherished every moment with my uncle. Who has a wonderful heart and spunky personality! I have a husband that never left me alone mentally or emotionally through all of it, and was there with Uncle Johny in his last moments when I couldn't be. I have amazing siblings and am thankful for them and our relationships because so many don't get along with their own. I was able to spend a week with my sister and niece. I got to show love to my grandma the only way I knew how. And lets face it. That snow storm was so we wouldn't go rushing back to our lives. We needed to be there with Grandpa!
I did a lot of inner pouting those 4 weeks. I was tired, I was emotionally and mentally drained from everyone's grief. The kids were exhausted from no regular schedule. I was sore from sleeping on floors, blowup beds, strange mattresses and piled blankets that didn't smell like Daniel and our cat....whom I also missed. But in all of it, one thing stayed true throughout...family will weather the storm with you. And even more importantly...
God never left my side, and He promised that spring was on its' way!
Cheers!
Daniel's vacation got hacked into pieces so he had to return every couple days to work. He dropped us off at my parents' on his way back home. It was Sunday evening and I was really starting to enjoy the holidays with my family; who we hadn't seen in a couple months. Daniel worked Monday and then came back to my parents' that night. We had to get a good night's sleep because the next day was going to be busy!
In our family we have a really cool meal we call "Munchy Lunchy." It consists of some of our favorite finger foods of all time and we all gather around the table and in the kitchen and create the meal together. When everything is finished and the table is decorated, we all sit and Dad thanks God for our blessings throughout the year. Then we feast....and most often, there is so much food, that we eat it for a few days. (But that is ok, because we live for leftovers!)
It is Christmas Eve, our bellies are full and we just got done opening presents. We hear a knock on the door, and my cousins are here with their baby girl. We live far away and we don't get to see them often. We are all catching up and the phone rings....
It's my aunt. We need to come because my uncle took a turn for the worse. Mom, Daniel and I throw some things together, kiss the kids and head out the door. We follow my cousin and his family down to Greenfield.
We spend the remainder of Christmas Eve holding my uncle's hand and keeping him as comfortable as possible. We slept in shifts so that he would always have someone there if he needed something.
Christmas day. He is still declining. Mom and I go back home with my cousins. Daniel stays with my aunt so she isn't alone. (Thank you Jesus for that man!) Mom packs some more stuff and takes her car back down to Greenfield. Dad takes the rest of us to Auburn where my grandparents live. I hadn't been up there since last Christmas.
We had a nice lunch with that side of the family and I got to help my grandma, who hadn't been doing well in the nursing home. We opened presents and the kids played.
I was in a fog, trying to sleep. It was late and Daniel called...
My uncle was gone. He went peacefully.
The minutes, the hours, the days are flowing together like the fishy fog from Grand Lake St. Marys. We came back to Celina some days after that.
Trying to sleep is like a wakeful nightmare. The kids are disturbed and they whimper in their sleep. They are seeing and hearing but not grasping the pain in everyone. It's somewhere around 4 or so in the morning and I am still not sleeping. I have to go to the bathroom really bad but I'm cold, so laziness is foremost in my mind. The phone rings...
There are things you remember because of how they affect you. I will forever remember that ring. I will never forget the sobs coming from my parents' room. No one told me anything. I knew.
Grandma died.
Mom and Dad pack and go back to Auburn. We all have a viewing to go to in Greenfield. We repack and head to Greenfield.
We went to Uncle Johny's viewing and funeral. I don't cry very well. I laughed a lot. That sounds morbid to some, but we all cover our grief differently.
After that, we left for Celina again. We washed some things and repacked for Auburn.
My sister and niece are on their way from Missouri. I haven't seen them in 2 years. I hate tragedy reunions. There's always that dark thing hanging over every laugh and conversation. Like we really shouldn't be having a good time catching up.
Another viewing and funeral, only this time, it's Grandma's. There is a snow storm happening and it stays nice enough for one day for travelers to get home. Then it hits again in a flurry of Alaskan-like temperatures. (It was actually warmer in Alaska at the time!)
The power goes out. I just finished chewing my last bite from dinner. The kids are screaming and terribly afraid of the sudden darkness. We found a tank load of pillar candles and lit them, dispersing them throughout the rooms. We go into survival mode and pile blankets on beds. The temperature got down to 55 I think when the power came back on at 11:30 or so. The heat ran all night long trying to reheat the house. I had flashing thoughts of people finding me frozen solid with my arms wrapped around my kids protecting them from old man winter. (Drastically imaginative? Welcome to my mind!)
We were stranded for a couple more days. We finally got back to my parents' and were again stranded with no way of going home....because we didn't bring 2 cars and Daniel was working. We waited until his next day off for him to bring us home.
4 weeks... 4 weeks of hopping back and forth from one grief to the next. Never really grieving myself. I've had almost a month now to process and reflect and the grief still won't come. In my years as a long term health care provider, my inner sense of relief is higher than the grief. Not relief in the sense that I'm happy they are dead, but relief in the sense that the suffering is. I'm a bit numb to, death. I have been since before my grandpa died, when I was in high school. In and out of hospitals with my grandma, then the nursing home. I began to see death differently for those who suffer before they go.
In the midst of the funerals, I was asked by my 4 year old if I would cry if she died. She equated death with tears and heartache since she had witnessed so many people crying....but not me. Even her daddy cried but mommy didn't shed a tear. I had to explain to her why mommy couldn't cry. She seemed to understand and I assured her that I would indeed cry if she ever died and that I hope she didn't. She was ok with my answer and went back to her playing.
Bitterness tries to seep in from time to time because of how 2 deaths and a snow storm ruined the holidays for me. But then I started to take hold of a few thoughts....
I was at odds with my cousins and had decided to delete them from my life. And God said, "love them." It's awkward still but not so much now. I still have a wonderful aunt that cherished every moment with my uncle. Who has a wonderful heart and spunky personality! I have a husband that never left me alone mentally or emotionally through all of it, and was there with Uncle Johny in his last moments when I couldn't be. I have amazing siblings and am thankful for them and our relationships because so many don't get along with their own. I was able to spend a week with my sister and niece. I got to show love to my grandma the only way I knew how. And lets face it. That snow storm was so we wouldn't go rushing back to our lives. We needed to be there with Grandpa!
I did a lot of inner pouting those 4 weeks. I was tired, I was emotionally and mentally drained from everyone's grief. The kids were exhausted from no regular schedule. I was sore from sleeping on floors, blowup beds, strange mattresses and piled blankets that didn't smell like Daniel and our cat....whom I also missed. But in all of it, one thing stayed true throughout...family will weather the storm with you. And even more importantly...
God never left my side, and He promised that spring was on its' way!
Cheers!